I wrote an open letter after we lost Samuel. I was hesitant to share it because even in the midst of my hurt, I didn’t want to risk the hearts or feelings of others. So I held onto it. I’ve had it tucked away for the past 100 days saying to myself, “One day maybe I will share it”
It’s that time. I think there are some out there who need permission to do the things in their life that help them heal and cope after the loss of a baby. These things may look different for each of us, and they may even look a little weird to some. But it’s important to do what you need to do to protect yourself, your heart and to heal.
I may need to stop following you on Facebook. But before you freak out I need you to know something important; it’s not you, it’s me. Seriously. I mean it with all of my heart. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. It’s not permanent, but it is something that I need to do for now.
You see, I’m a little bit broken at the moment; my heart isn’t what is used to be. There are some cracks, chips and holes within it. Repairs are being done. And I believe that God is creating something even better out of the rubble, but while the fractures are there I’m left vulnerable. Jealousy, envy, longing and bitterness are some of those sneaky things that can slip in through the weak spots. I would like to say that I’m impervious to those emotions and am above all that, but let’s be honest, no one is.
Proverbs 14:30 says that a heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Friend, I kind of like my bones, and I need them not to rot. You see, envy is a really sneaky creature, sometimes you don’t even realize it’s there. It’s easy to explain it away, to give it a new more and more acceptable name. ‘I’m not envious, I’m sad that I’m not planning a baby shower’. ‘I’m not envious, I’m disappointed that I won’t be able to post a birth announcement’. ‘I’m not envious, I’m ‘appreciating’ her new baby’s photos while wishing that they were mine’. Before you know it, you’re a giant pile of rotten envious bones and that is bitternesses favorite snack. Once bitterness enters into a cracked and broken heart, it can be hard to kick out.
So for right now, while my heart is weak, I have to protect it. I have to guard it, because it’s something special! Proverbs 4:23 urges us to guard our hearts above all else, for everything we do flows from it. Friend, I want hope and joy to flow freely from my heart. I want encouragement and peace to burst forth from it unrestrained. I want it to be so full of life that it’s impossible to contain.
It’s not you, it’s me. Im just not strong enough to endure a battle with jealousy, envy, longing and bitterness right now. I have to protect my heart and sometimes that means walking away from a fight and avoiding the battle all together. That’s an acceptable thing to do. It’s perfectly okay to protect the precious things in my life. I want you to know that I am celebrating with you and the exciting events in your life, even if I’m not watching them unfold on social media. I’m still here, call me, message me; we can hang out and catch up. I haven’t gone anywhere and you’re still just as important to me. It’s not you, it’s me, and my heart just needs a little time.