encouragement – Hand Me Downs

You stand and wait, glancing around the room. Maybe you tap your foot just a bit and shuffle your weight from leg to leg. You hear a bell chime and you watch as the doors slide open with a swish. Without hesitation you step on and select your floor. The doors swoosh shut and you feel the pull through your body as you’re lifted up through the elevator shaft. Stepping onto the elevator is kind of an example of how faith works. You can’t see the cables that hold the metal box of death, but you know they are there and you trust them.

Hebrews tells us that faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. You know the elevator is going to take you to the floor you select without crashing to the ground even though you can’t see the cables and pulleys. But what happens when you’ve gotten on the elevator and it’s crashed. What do you do when your faith has been shaken. When you struggle to ‘see’ past what your eyes see?

Over the last four years I have had to fight hard for my faith. Sometimes harder than I ever expected. There have been times that my vision has been so trained on what I’m seeing in the natural that it can be challenging to refocus my sight on what’s happening in the supernatural. In other words, it’s hard to trust what I can’t see and trust in Gods plan, when things around me look and feels terrible. Does this make me, or you if this is your struggle too, a bad Christian? No, it makes us human. God knew that we would have times where we would struggle to keep our eyes on Him and off the circumstances around us.

This exact situation happened in Matthew chapter 14. The disciples were in a boat in the middle of a lake and they were struggling against the wind. The boat was rolling about on the waves and when they looked out across the water they saw Jesus walking ON the water toward the boat! Initially they were scared and still not reassured when Jesus told them it was him. Peter called out to Jesus, “If it is you, call me to you” and Jesus did. Peter stepped off the boat out among the waves and began to walk on the water toward Jesus.

He was doing great at first, step after step, he got closer and closer to Jesus. Then, he glanced around at the storm swirling around him. He saw the waves crashing beside and behind him, he felt the wind rushing against his cheeks and he started to sink. His faith floundered and he began to sink. He thrust his hand up and cried out to Jesus “save me”! Jesus took him by the hand and together they made their way to the boat and climbed in.

So what do we do when all we can see with our eyes are the waves? When we can’t hear Jesus through the roar of the wind, when our bodies are being pummeled by the storm? We have to choose to look back at Him, reach out our hand and call on His name. And sometimes that’s hard! It can be SOOO hard! When I look at the things around me reminding me that we are four plus years into the journey to grow our family and we still do not have our child into our arms, I can feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into the water. I feel the sting of the salt water in my eyes and feel the burn of it in my throat. My body feels heavy with the weight of the stormy waters around me.

2 Corinthians 5:7 says that we should walk by faith, not by sight. I, or maybe even you too, have to look past the physical, the damaged elevator, the wind and the waves, and trust what can’t be seen. I have to make the same choice Peter made; reach up, cry out and get rescued. And I have to do it time and time again when I start to sink. Im making my choice, to walk by faith and not by sight, because let’s be honest, what I can physically see can be enough to cause me to start to sink.

Tonight my eyes see an empty crib and clothes with tags still on. But my faith sees a bed that’s ready for the child God has for us, clothes that are soft and comfy prepped and ready to keep that child warm. My eyes see a still rocking chair with no one to cuddle in it. But my faith sees a place where stories will be read and lullabies sang in the glow of a nightlight. My eyes the unanswered prayers of a big brother and a big sister. But My faith sees the love that has grown in their hearts for this little sibling that they have prayed diligently for over the last four years.

What are you going to choose? Are you going to get back on the elevator? Step out onto the water? What are you going view your surroundings with; your eyes or your faith?

The word Down syndrome first came into our world a little over two and a half years ago. In “I Didn’t Want Him“, I shared my initial reaction at finding out that the baby boy I was carrying would be born with Down syndrome. I know that everyone copes in different ways; some do it better than others. I did the best I could but, despite my best attempts at appearing brave and nonchalant when it came to the number of my sons chromosomes, there were times that my facade failed. One particular event occurred while I was at work, during the last few weeks of my pregnancy.

I had been caring for a wonderful family, who was welcoming a new baby into the world. The mom had shared with me her experiences with her young son who had Down syndrome. He was three, and she considered him to be the best thing that had ever happened to her. She eagerly introduced me to him when he arrived to meet his new sibling. I wanted to love her child as much as she did, but all I could see were his almond shaped eyes, his chubby fingers, wobbly walk and ungraceful attempts at signing “hi” and “baby”. I could feel my heart begin to pound and my breaths becoming shorter and more frantic. I excused myself and quickly made my way to the private bathroom on our unit. I murmured to my charge nurse that I would be back and asked her to keep an eye on my patient.

I barely made it to the bathroom before the dam broke and the tears flooded out. I sat on the floor, hyperventilating and sobbing. This was not a brave moment for me and my resolve was crumbling as every single fear and worry swirled through my head. The thoughts were unending, each one bringing with it an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Can I do this? Can I be the mom that he will need me to be? Will I ever get to the place where I can tell a stranger that he is the best thing that ever happened to me? Will there come a time that I only see my son and not Down syndrome? Will the bravery that I appear to have, ever be real?

I wish that I could travel back in time to huddle there in the floor with my past self. I would take her face in my hands, look her in the eyes and tell her that all the answers were YES. Tell her that as soon as she holds that little boy in her arms, all her worry and fear would fade away. That the only thing she would see when she looked at her son for the first time would the blue eyes that his daddy gave him and the button nose that she gave him. That she would be amazed at how much he looked like his sister. That in one short minute, she would know, without a shadow of a doubt that she didn’t need to be “brave”, she just needed to be Mommy.

I wish most of all, that I could tell her, the way she would feel with each of his firsts. How she would have to hide the camera to catch him turning over. How his motivation to belly creep would be a Taco Bell taco. How she would cheer when he signed “eat” and “more”. How loud she would scream, on camera, when he stood and took his first unassisted steps. How the tears would stream down her face when he looked at her and called her mommy for the first time. I didn’t get a visit from my future self that day. I did, however, put myself back together and return to my patients room. I knelt down near that sweet boy and asked if I could give him a hug, he willingly obliged. Try as I might, his mom could see through my mask of serenity, she squeezed my hand and whispered, “You’ll get there”.

I cant tell you how, because the route is different for everyone. Its possible that it will take some longer than others. There might also be days, that feelings sneak in so quickly and fiercely that they cause you to question where you are and if you will make it. Maybe you’ve made it there already, then again, maybe you haven’t. Regardless of what point the path you’re on, I want to say, YOU will get there too.

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Tag: encouragement

Not By Sight

You Don’t Have To Be Brave, You Just Have To Be Mommy