Category: parenting

Adoption · Loss · Miscarriage · parenting · scripture

Not By Sight

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You stand and wait, glancing around the room. Maybe you tap your foot just a bit and shuffle your weight from leg to leg. You hear a bell chime and you watch as the doors slide open with a swish. Without hesitation you step on and select your floor. The doors swoosh shut and you feel the pull through your body as you’re lifted up through the elevator shaft. Stepping onto the elevator is kind of an example of how faith works. You can’t see the cables that hold the metal box of death, but you know they are there and you trust them.

Hebrews tells us that faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. You know the elevator is going to take you to the floor you select without crashing to the ground even though you can’t see the cables and pulleys. But what happens when you’ve gotten on the elevator and it’s crashed. What do you do when your faith has been shaken. When you struggle  to ‘see’ past what your eyes see?  

Over the last four years I have had to fight hard for my faith. Sometimes harder than I ever expected. There have been times that  my vision  has been so trained on what I’m seeing in the natural that it can be challenging to refocus my sight  on what’s happening in the supernatural. In other words, it’s hard to trust what I can’t see and trust in Gods plan, when things  around me look and feels terrible.  Does this make me, or you if this is your struggle too, a bad Christian?  No, it makes us human. God knew that we would have times where we would struggle to keep our eyes on Him and off the circumstances around us. 

This exact situation happened in Matthew chapter 14. The disciples were in a boat in the middle of a lake and they were struggling against the wind. The boat was rolling about on the waves and when they looked out across the water they saw Jesus walking ON the water toward the boat!  Initially they were scared and still not reassured when Jesus told them it was him. Peter called out to Jesus, “If it is you, call me to you” and Jesus did. Peter stepped off the boat out among the waves and began to walk on the water toward Jesus. 

He was doing great at first, step after step, he got closer and closer to Jesus. Then, he glanced around at the storm swirling around him. He saw the waves crashing beside and behind him, he felt the wind rushing against his cheeks and he started to sink. His faith floundered and he  began to sink. He thrust his hand up  and cried out to Jesus “save me”! Jesus took him by the hand and together they made their way to the boat and climbed in. 

So what do we do when all we can see with our eyes are the waves?  When we can’t hear Jesus through the roar of the wind, when our bodies are being pummeled by the storm?  We have to choose to look back at Him, reach out our hand and call on His name. And sometimes that’s hard!  It can be SOOO hard!  When I look at the things around me reminding me that we are four plus years into the journey to grow our family and we still do not have our child into our arms, I can feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into the water. I feel the sting of the salt water in my eyes and feel the burn of it in my throat. My body feels heavy with the weight of the stormy waters around me.

2 Corinthians 5:7  says that  we should walk by faith, not by sight.  I, or maybe even you too, have to look past the physical, the damaged elevator, the wind and the waves, and trust what can’t be seen. I have to make the same choice Peter made; reach up, cry out and get rescued. And I have to do it time and time again when I start to sink. Im making my choice, to walk by faith and not by sight, because let’s be honest, what I can physically see can be enough to cause me to start to sink.

Tonight my eyes see an empty crib and clothes with tags still on. But my faith sees a bed that’s ready for the child God has for us, clothes that are soft and comfy prepped and ready to keep that child warm. My eyes see a still rocking chair with no one to cuddle in it. But my faith sees a place where stories will be read and lullabies sang in the glow of a nightlight. My eyes the unanswered prayers of a big brother and a big sister. But My faith sees the love that has grown in their hearts for this little sibling that they have prayed diligently for over the last four years.

What are you going to choose? Are you going to get back on the elevator? Step out onto the water? What are you going view your surroundings with; your eyes or your faith?

The Christmas Jammies
Adoption · Loss · Miscarriage · parenting · Uncategorized

The Christmas Jammies

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I bought family Christmas Jammies. You know the kind that the whole family wears. Cute little matching sets.  I got one for each member of the family!  They’re red and black plaid fuzzy pants and white shirts with red checked letters. I’ve bought matching pajamas before but this year was different.

This year I stood in the store red faced and puffy eyed from crying in the car barely thirty minutes before. 2019 hasn’t been our hardest year, but it has had its challenges. The hardest part has come  as the end of the year draws near and we are still waiting for that next little one to join our family. Missing the little ones that we carried and lost before we were ready. Hanging the stockings and knowing that there should be one more on the mantle. Last year my husband and I stood by the tree arm in arm and said with confidence “this time next year we will have three here”.

I walked by the rack three or four times before I finally stopped to pick some out. I searched through sale rack and found one for daddy, one for mommy, one for sister and one for brother. I stood still and chewed on my lip for a minute. I dove back in and reemerged with another smaller set. One labeled 12months. I held them in my hands and stroked the soft fabric. I took a deep breath and placed them in the cart next to the other four….

In 1st Kings chapter 18 Elijah prayed for rain. He prayed the first time and sent his servant out to look for clouds in the sky. The servant returned and said “I didn’t see anything”. Elijah persisted, undeterred, time and time again Elijah sent his servant to search the sky and each time the servant returned with the same answer; “no clouds, no rain”. But Elijah knew Gods promise to end the famine, he knew rain was coming despite the sunny empty sky. He pressed on, fervently praying for rain.  Elijah knew what the Lord had promised!  He prayed again and sent his servant out to scan the sky. He returned and said “There is a cloud, as small as a mans hand rising out of the sea!”  Elijah told him to go tell Ahab that a huge rain storm was coming!

Can you imagine?  Hearing “no” and not seeing the rain, time after time after time?  I don’t know about you, but it’s been tough to hear “not yet” and “no” so many times.  It’s enough to allow some doubt to creep in, just a little whisper of “maybe I didn’t hear him correctly” “maybe the rain isn’t actually coming”. But Elijah didn’t just have a word from God, he also had hope. Not just any hope though, hope in the Lord.

A hope that wasn’t deterred by empty skies and wasn’t dependent on what he could see. It was an expectant anticipatory hope. A hope that believed that even though there was no evidence of rain, the Lord could and would make it happen. A hope that trusted that the teeny weeny rain cloud was all God needed to bring a down pour. A hope that knew “I don’t see anything” didn’t mean no, it just meant not yet. He had put his hope in the Lord.

All too often we place our hope in the things we can see, touch or hear. I know I do this at times and when those things don’t look like feel like or sound like what I was expecting it can be tough to continue hoping. But if I can put my hope in the Lord and His ability, even though I may not be able to see the cloud or smell the rain, I can know without a doubt that it is coming!  Maybe not the first time or the fourth or the thirtieth, but one day, we will see our prayer answered!

I looked at the little pile of pajamas and smiled. These ones aren’t for this year, but they are for next year or maybe the next. For our next Christmas; the one where we will be a family of five. No we haven’t been chosen by a family yet. On the contrary, we’ve heard “I’m sorry, but you weren’t chosen” multiple times this year. These pajamas are my rain boots and umbrella on a clear sunny day.  They’re my little spec of a rain cloud. They are tangible proof that I’m putting my hope in the Lord.

parenting · Recipes · Tutorial · Uncategorized

Recipe for Holiday Success: How to Safely Teach Your Children the Joys of Cooking and Baking

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I love baking with the kids. Sister enjoys measuring and mixing the ingredients, brother loves taste testing! It’s never a tidy activity but we always have fun with it. So when Daniel Sherwin, from Dadsolo, reached out to me about writing a post as a guest blogger on safely teaching your kids the joys of cooking and baking I could say no?!

Photo courtesy of Pixabay by laterjay

Those of us who enjoy cooking or baking know it’s a creative form of self-expression, relaxation, and joy, and the holiday season is a perfect time to partake in your favorite pastime even more and possibly pass on the love to your kids. As it turns out, your favorite pastime might actually be good for your mental, physical, and emotional well-being, too. That’s right; science says cooking and baking reduce stress and associated physical, mental, and emotional conditions.

If you’re looking to limit your child’s screen time, cooking or baking with your children can be an excellent alternative to computers and Minecraft, especially during long winter breaks from school or snow days. By spending time together in the kitchen, you’ll prepare your kids for a lifetime of healthier, happier choices. Just like hobbies such as painting or playing guitar, cooking and baking provide children (and adults) with an outlet for creative expression, as well as a way to communicate our love for others and spread the spirit of the season.

Start by choosing easy, age-appropriate recipes. Delegate tasks to your child that can be performed safely. Cooking and baking also provide an excellent opportunity to teach your child about germ control and food safety. If your child has long hair, teach him or her to pull it back prior to making food. Remind your children to keep their hands clean, and to wash frequently to avoid cross-contamination of foods.

Never give knives to young children. When you feel your child is ready to start cooking with knives, start with a plastic knife or butter knife and teach them how to safely hold and use the knife.

As your child gets older and more confident in the kitchen, you may begin teaching more independent tasks, such as using the can opener or microwave. Children above the age of twelve are often capable of much more complex recipes; however, you should still supervise your child at all times while cooking or baking.

Fire prevention is another important consideration. Kitchen fires do happen, and are a common occurrence what with all the cooking for holiday parties and gatherings, so never gamble when it comes to the safety of your family or your home. Here are some expert tips on how to prevent fires and handle unanticipated emergencies:

1. Test your smoke detector. Testing your smoke detector regularly is one of the most important things you can do to protect your home from a fire. Because three out of five house fires involve homes without working smoke detectors, having a working smoke detector with good batteries can spell the difference between life or death.

To keep your family and your home out of harm’s way, you can add a recurring monthly reminder to your smartphone or calendar to test your smoke detector. Experts also recommend adding a reminder to change your smoke detector’s batteries once every six months. Even if your home breaks out in a fire, the results can be much less severe if your smoke detector is in good condition with working batteries.

2. Never leave children unattended. Keep watch over your child in the kitchen, especially if you have young children or kids (and teens) who are new to cooking or baking. It is important to never leave your child in the kitchen unsupervised. You might also teach your children a house rule: that they only cook or bake when an adult is in the room to supervise.

3. Plan for emergencies. Just in case of an emergency, make sure there is a fire extinguisher in your home… and learn how to use it. Teach your children how to safely evacuate the home in case of a house fire. Tell your children how to contact 9-1-1 in the event of an accident, fire, or other unexpected emergency. Hopefully, you’ll never have to do any of these things but just in case, it’s important the entire family is educated on what to do.

Cooking or baking together as a family is a fun way to bond while teaching confidence, self reliance, healthy food choices, and other life skills. Your children will have a lifelong creative outlet, which will benefit their mental, emotional, and physical health. By adding kitchen safety to the mix, you’ll be helping them create a delicious recipe for continued success for years to come, and pass on a holiday tradition you can enjoy together for years to come.

Daniel is a single dad raising two children. At DadSolo.com, he aims to provide other single dads with information and resources to help them better equip themselves on the journey that is parenthood.

Loss · Miscarriage · parenting · scripture · Uncategorized

Rainbows

HandMeDowns1 Comment

rainbow

We were in the car driving home from one of our many activities. The children were sitting contentedly in the backseat staring out the windows.

“Mom, we need to pray!” my oldest, Abi, shouted from her seat. I glanced in the review mirror at her.

“Okay,” I said cautiously, “what are we praying for?”

“We need to pray that those bad clouds over there are chased away by the good clouds over there,” she responded gesturing out the window. I looked at where she was pointing and realized that there were storm clouds moving in. I half listened, nodding in agreement, as she sent up a prayer for ‘no storms and for only good weather’.

We made it home just before the rain hit. Abi and I stood in the garage looking up at the sky. It was full of dark grey fast moving clouds. Every few minutes lightening would flash and thunder would growl low and angry.

“Mom, the bad clouds won,” she said with a sad sigh. I smiled at her.

“I know Peanut, but it’s okay. Maybe God knew we needed the rain today”. She chewed on her lip and asked,

“Mommy, why does it storm?”

“Oh,” I said thoughtfully, “well, you know the plants need a drink, and the clouds need emptying, and….” I was trying to think of something brilliant to explain storms when she turned to face me. She stared up at me, right into my eyes.

“No. Mommy, why does it storm?”  I felt my stomach due a huge flip flop and I suddenly knew that this was an important moment and that what came out of my mouth next was going to be significant. I licked my lips and drew in a deep breath.

“Because, if it never stormed, we would never have a chance to see rainbows,” I saw her little body relax and she smiled at me.

“Alright,” she said cheerfully and ran into the house. I stood there absolutely still, my heart pounding in my ears. That conversation was no longer just a little chat about the weather. It was a revelation to me from God. It was an answer to a big question that I had posed to Him several weeks before.

You see back in Genesis when the entire world was so wicked and horrible, God asked a man named Noah to build and ark, gather up his family and the animals and climb aboard for a little cruise. Once they were safe inside God caused it to rain for 40 days and 40 nights flooding the entire earth. When that was done He placed a rainbow in the sky saying,   I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Gen. 9:13

The rainbow was a sign of Gods covenant that he would never flood the earth again, it became a symbol of God’s promise. Now, the amazing thing about God is that He will never break a promise.  Ever. Psalm 89:34 says, I will not violate my covenant or alter what my lips have uttered. If the Lord says it, it will be.  If that isn’t convincing enough, what about 2nd Corinthians 1:20, for all the promises of God in him are yes, and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us.  He cannot and will not break a promise, not just the one that He made with Noah, but all the promises in the bible.

Now, there are a lot of promises in the bible. ALOT.  But what isn’t promised to us is that there won’t be storms or trials in our lives.  Just like Noah and is family, we are going to encounter storms.  We are going to face trials.  Sometimes you will be able see the clouds in the distance and prepare for what’s coming and some will take you by surprise.  Some may be only a sprinkle but some will bring hurricane force winds and shake you down to your very foundation.  They are going to come, the bible warns us in 1st Peter 4:12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. And then again in John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.

 We will have storms; we will have trials, but with those storms comes an opportunity to see rainbows! Those true and never failing promises to you from your Lord and Savior.  What are some of those promises?

He will be your shelter and protection…

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!    Psalm 91:1-2

He will cover you with His pinions, And under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark.   Psalm 91:4

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.   Psalm 46:2

He will fight for you…

When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the LORD shall lift up a standard against him.   Isaiah 59:19

 The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.   Exodus 14:14

No evil will befall you, Nor will any plague come near your tent. For He will give His angels charge concerning you, To guard you in all your ways. They will bear you up in their hands, That you do not strike your foot against a stone.   Psalm 91:10-13

 He never leave you or forsake you…

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.   Isaiah 43:2

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged    Deuteronomy 31:8

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.   Joshua 1:9

 He will give you strength and rest…

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  Matthew 11:28-29

He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.  Isaiah 40:29-31

But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christs power may rest on me. 2nd Corinthians 12:9

He will give you victory…

Because he has loved Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him securely on high, because he has known My name. He will call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him. With a long life I will satisfy him And let him see My salvation.   Psalm 91:14-16

No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. Romans 8:37-39

 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1st Corinthians 15:57

 I know that some of you might be thinking, ‘Sure, Sherry, these things are all great and stuff, but it’s a lot harder quoting scriptures and trusting God when you’re actually in the middle of a storm.’   I get it, I really really do.  Remember back to the moment with Abi in the garage. I said that I knew the answer I had given her had been an answer to a question that I had asked?  It was a question that I had been asking for several months. I had asked God why?  Why did were we walking through, what I felt, was one of the biggest storms in my life.

In June, I had a miscarriage.  We wanted that baby; we were elated to be pregnant again and had felt it was an answer to prayer. A prayer that I had been praying for almost three years. So you can imagine the heartbreak and confusion that came after the emergency room doctor told me that I was no longer pregnant. It wasn’t just a little sprinkle, it was a hurricane. Fear, confusion, anger and grief; all of those swirled around throughout this storm.  It was wind so strong and devastating that I risked being torn down to the very bare bones of what I was made of. The thunder and lightning of it got so bad that I cried out in desperation, why dear Lord, why, did this have to happen! 

And then it was calmer.  It still rained and sometimes the wind would pick back up, but I held firm that solid rock foundation of the Lord and I waited.  Praying for an answer. Finally it came, in the form of a question from a little girl, who was just as unhappy about a real storm as her mama was about her spiritual one.  Because if it never stormed, we would never have a chance to see rainbows.

I don’t know what is going on in your life right now. Maybe it’s all sunshiny and clear, or maybe you’ve got a sprinkle, or some gale force winds. Whatever it may be the promises of God will always remain and be true and infallible. Hold on to them and remember to cling tight to The Lord, because he will get you through, the skies will part and you will see rainbows.

I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.   John 14:27

I Am Allowed
Down syndrome · parenting

I Am Allowed

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I am allowed. I am allowed to have bad days. Terrible days even!

Sometimes it’s a spilled cereal, lost my favorite shoe, dog ate my stuffed animal, I don’t want peanut butter and jelly for lunch, don’t make me wear my coat in twenty below freezing weather, six year old girl nuclear equivalent melt down kind of morning. 


Sometimes it’s a stubbed toe, dog puked on the carpet, flat tire, traffic jam, coffee stain on my new shirt, scuffed new boots, forgot my wallet, long lines full of annoying people kind of day.


Sometimes it’s a forgot to take the trash to the curb because I work nightshift and can’t remember what day it is, mountains of laundry, neglected dishes, overstimulated hopped up on McDonalds children, piles of homework, too much on my plate kind of night. 

Sometimes it’s all of those things and more. Let’s face it, life isn’t always sunshiny days and happy rainbow pooping unicorns. Things happen. Horrible, no good, terrible, very bad days will come. Sometimes it’s not even something that happened we just wake up on the wrong side of the bed! It’s just part of it. 

I am allowed to have bad days. I am allowed to have days where I don’t smile all the time. Where I can sigh and roll my eyes when I want to. I am allowed to have the kind of day that you know was awful just by looking at me. I am allowed to have those kind of days and it not be because my child has Down syndrome. 


I shouldn’t have to kill myself trying to pretend like I live in a world where blue birds always sing and pancakes don’t make my thighs get fat. A world where I’m afraid that if someone sees so much as a chink in my mommy armor they’re going to think that I’m losing my crap because of the number of chromosomes my son has in each of his cells.
Because you know what? On those bad days, the little extra dose of joy and laughter that I find in my son, the little extra understanding and compassion that he shows to those around him, the little extra tolerance and patience that he allows me, the unabashed silliness that spreads like wildfire from him, can make those bad days all better.

Sometimes, it is my child with Down syndrome, who makes the bad days good. Not visa versa. So guess what, I’m allowed to have bad days, and it not be his fault. Got it?

 

Loss · Miscarriage · Mommy Lessons · parenting

Don’t let fear stop you from celebrating 

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“What if something happens?” I remember thinking the day of the photo shoot. I turned that thought over and over in my head as I watch my husband and two children playing in the grass in front of our vehicle while waiting for the photographer. “Please don’t let them get dirty” I called, Spouse nodded and waved at me in response. I chewed on the inside of my cheek, my heart racing as I walked around to the back of the Jeep to get our stuff ready. I glanced up at my husband, he was busy monitoring the kids. I pulled the digital pregnancy test out of my purse and peaked at it. I felt butterflies in my stomach every time I saw those words: “Pregnant”. They sat there in dark bold letters on the oval screen. I smiled to myself, I was going to surprise him with the news during our photo shoot. 

After deciding to add a third child to our family we had began calling our potential third child “Pancake”. This was after an incredibly hysterical conversation between Glenn and Abraham from The Walking Dead regarding Glenn and Maggie’s pregnancy and “trying to make pancakes when pouring the Bisquick”. We talked a lot about Pancake. What it would be like to have three, how our oldest would react and how our youngest would handle not being the youngest anymore. We were excited and hopeful, patiently awaiting our Pancake. 
I got a positive pregnancy test on May 22nd. I took probably ten more just to make sure and was only finally convinced when the digital test gave me a clear “pregnant” reading. I called my OB and they did serial blood work to see that my HCG was climbing like it should. Everything looked great. I kept the little secret for about a week while I prepared the special announcement. I was going to surprise my husband during our family pictures, I wanted to capture his reaction to the news about Pancake. After all this was going to be our last baby, I wanted it to be special. 

The photographer arrived and smiled at me conspiratorially, she was as excited as I was. I carried a container of Bisquick and the pregnancy test hidden away in my purse. Spouse toted the chalk boards to the center of the park where we planned to snap the photos. We distracted the kids with a video on the phone and stood back to back, we were to write something sweet to one another on our chalk boards. Of course I already knew what mind would say: “Pancake, due January 2017”.  


We faced the camera and then one another. I saw his eyes slide across the words once and then again. I saw them widen with realization and then the giant smile lit up his face. That ear to ear grin of an excited dad to be. The camera clicked furiously capturing those first moments. Each snap ensuring that these memories would last forever. He wrapped me up in a big hug and asked how long I had known and a handful of other pertinent expectant father questions. I showed him the test and handed him the container of Bisquick, we laughed together at our inside joke and held each other tight. 


Today I would have been 24 weeks. I would have been over half way through my pregnancy. The kids and their dad would have been able to feel baby moving inside my swollen belly. I would have outgrown my jeans and moved into maternity clothes. We would have been trying out names, pulling out bags of clothes that had been saved from brother and sister. We would have been so much nearer a family if 5. But something did happen, we lost Pancake at 8 weeks. It was by far one of the hardest and worst moments in our lives. 

My answer the day of the photo shoot to the question of, ‘what if something happens’ had been, ‘Then I will have wanted to celebrate while we could. I would have wanted to cherish this baby while we could. I would have wanted memories and treasures. I would have wanted everyone to know how happy we were and how much we wanted our Pancake. I would have wanted Pancake to know how much he or she was loved. I would have wanted something tangible so in the moments when I feel that joy has left me, I would be able to hold tight and see what a gift I had to be able to have those special moments with my husband and children, all three of them”.  

Miscarriage is not uncommon, it effects roughly 3 million women per year in the US alone. It’s emotionally and physically painful. It’s something that almost every woman worries about when she first finds out that she is pregnant. It is a fear that robs many women of the joy of celebrating their pregnancies from the earliest possible moment. And it’s not fair. 

It’s just not fair that the fear of loss should prevent us from sharing the wonderful news that we are expecting. That It should stop us from telling those we’re close to that we are carrying something amazing within us. It’s not fair that the fear should prevent us from celebrating and savoring those moments that for far too many end way too soon. It’s unfair that in the midst of a loss, that fear we had, prevented us from sharing with those who could support us the most through it. 

Don’t let it. Don’t let the fear of loss, or societies recommendation of cautious optimism stop you from celebrating, from sharing, from cheering and shouting your joy. Own it. Savor it. Cherish the moments from the earliest possible second that you are able! Had I considered that ‘what if’ question and chosen to act on the side of caution, I would have missed out, the fear would have stolen the blessed memories that I do have of our Pancake. You may have days, weeks, months or years, but don’t let the fear of “what if” stop you from enjoying the moments you do have.  I’m so very glad I didn’t. 

Mommy Lessons · parenting

Hands 

HandMeDowns2 Comments


I went to bed tonight holding my daughters hand. She was snuggled up next to me, fingers interlaced in mine. I can remember when those fingers were just barely big enough to wrap around my extended index finger. They were so small and appeared so fragile, but they gripped my finger and my heart with such fierceness that it surprised me. I can remember when those fingers spread out across my palm, barely taking up a fourth of it. She would wiggle those chubby little things, pat my open hand and grin gleefully. 
I can remember when those little fingers would reach up and stroke my cheek as she nursed. Soft and feather like, they would linger just for a moment before reaching out for my own hand, to curl hers contentedly around. I can remember when those little fingers would wrap around the first two fingers on each of my hands. She would hold on as tight as possible for pulling from me strength and support, while standing triumphantly on skinny wobbly legs. 

I can remember when those little fingers let go of mine for the first time; leaving a feeling of coldness in their absence. I held my breath as she took her first few independent steps. I can remember those same fingers pushing me away when I rushed to scoop her up and help her stand again. I can remember her hand in mine palm to palm, fingers stretched as far as they could to match mine; growing. I can remember when those fingers became long enough to reach the end of my palm; I could still just barely bend my fingers and capture her wiggling hand, making her giggle.


I can remember when those hands began to spend more time holding toys and dollies than they did holding my hand. I can remember when those fingers, longer and stronger, yet still so small wrapped around a pencil, and drew out her name in long shaky letters. I can remember when those fingers reached for mine, warm and sweaty, now almost half the size of my own hand. She squeezed mine tightly, and whispered, “Will you remember to pick me up?” I smiled and nodded reassuringly, and watched her walk into her first day of school.

I can remember the moment that I realized that there will come a day when I can’t remember the last time I got to hold her hand. She will have grown; her hand as big if not bigger than mine. That day looms ahead of me, so near and so far, filling me with hope and sadness. There will still be those occasional moments, where as an adult, she may reach for my hand, holding tightly, drawing strength and support, just as they did when she was learning to stand on her own. 

There will be a day when she will have other hands to hold. Hands that are her equal, her match, her mate. Hands that are smaller than hers and that will capture her finger and heart in one single squeeze, as hers did mine. And there will be a day, when my hand will no longer be there for her to hold. 

But for now, I can remember last night, and how her fingers, growing longer and stronger by the day, twisted into mine. Relaxing ever so slightly as she drifted off to dream land. For now I can make the most of every opportunity to take her hand into mine, and savor those moments; so when the days come that her hand is too busy for mine, I will have plenty to remember.